Dreams and Nightmares

Sometimes a bereavement is expected following a long illness and other times it is sudden.

You may be surprised when, even though a death has been awaited it still comes as a shock to you when it finally happens.

If you have been the main carer of your loved one, you may find along with the physical loss a sense of bewilderment similar to redundancy – “what do I do now?”.

In any type of bereavement, you may question your value, where you fit in, who you are and what is your purpose.

You may feel guilty by the sense of relief you feel at knowing the person you cared for is now separated from their pain by their passing, you may wish you had done more and considered the “what if’s” and the “if only’s” which you know deep down wouldn’t have changed a thing. You may be angry at others or yourself for not doing more or simply feel numb.

Whilst everyone is different, these are normal responses to the death of someone you love. Your emotions are not limitless and you can experience them in different waves and different intensity as time goes on. There are no stages of grief (although some may tell you there are). You will feel, what you feel, when you feel it – the most important thing is, that you feel it.

At first your dreams may seem cruel, as if they are taunting you with the pleasure of being reunited with your loved one in sleep, only to slump into the realisation of their death when you wake up. This is a helpful process, because your dreams are asking you to acknowledge your feelings where you might not get the time, energy or opportunity during the day.

I started my therapeutic career in the field of bereavement nearly ten years ago, helping people understand and cope with their loss.

I have specialised in working with those bereaved by murder and suicide and I realised very quickly that being able to manage the stress associated with grief was a way to take positive action in an otherwise negative, painful and distressing experience.

This isn’t finding the silver lining, this is establishing tools to help someone in their darkest moments to feel that they can go on.

So if you or someone you know are looking for ways to find your way through your bereavement, take a look at these tips below:

* There is no time limit for grieving. It will take as long as it takes. Whist having a time frame to work to may seem helpful, you are in danger of swallowing feelings that need to be expressed. If you are worried about offloading to a friend or feel you should be “over it” by now, consider talking things through with a trained counsellor. You may wish to contact a bereavement care organisation like Cruse or seek private help with a qualified professional
* Look at ways you can take positive action to help yourself with the situation you face. Is this time to go away for a few days to re-discover yourself or put in place some stress management techniques like meditation. Meditation is not about clearing your mind or distracting yourself, but focusing your attention on something which feeds your soul like a happy picture, a flower or a pleasant smell.
* Follow the one hour rule – getting a good night’s sleep is even more important when experiencing grief. Make sure you make the hour before bedtime a relaxing oasis of calm, with a nice warm bath and relaxing music to ensure you sleep – and dream – well.

These words are offered respectfully.